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Sharing IN Shame & REJECTING Projected Shame

Why am I sharing personal moments of my life?

Because I have unresolved issues?


Why am I sharing past hurt and pain caused by others?

Because there is still healing to do?


Why am I sharing shame?

Because this is some form of a self serving exercise?


It’s because we ALL need to share shame, we need to open up our feelings of fragility. Additionally and most importantly, I desire to share a message of the need to reject projected shame and ideally to END projected shame, emotional manipulation and judgement.

We need to develop ‘shame resilience’.

Here are a couple of things I experienced in the past from very close family members and individuals within my ex belief system. These experiences were right in the midst of going through throat cancer treatment and recovery on the other side of that extremely aggressive ‘belt and braces treatment'.

This may sound unbelievable but on a couple of occasions I was ridiculed for drinking water (something I needed to do regularly, as my saliva glands had been shot to pieces due to cancer radiation sessions). On one occasion I was subjected to an outright emotional attack as I was criticised for bringing a bottle of water into the congregation hall by one of the ‘elders’.

Added to this, during a heated discussion with a close family member, as we discussed (or at least that was my aim lol) the situation of my cancer recovery, I endured this sarcastic retort:

‘Ohhh yes go on then take a sip of your water’!

This was as a result of my not replying immediately to an angry outburst.

Further on in the cancer recovery, as I began to come to the fuller reason of my life purpose and the deep gratitude of being alive, I began to step back into creativity (by this time I’d experienced separation, estrangement, isolation, disconnection and excommunication).

As my literal physical voice returned, I began to write lyrics and songs again. There was an overwhelming desire to write from the point of view of not wanting anyone to feel the shame I’d had projected onto me.

I didn't want others to feel the isolation, disconnection and shame I'd experienced.

‘The Voice Within’ was born.

This was a major step of courage for me and I am truly grateful to those that supported it at the time (keep in mind I was still weakened from the cancer experience and many other factors surrounding this time. For a detailed account of the strength and hope that arose, you can read my chapter in the phenomenal International bestselling co-authored book ‘Smashing Through the Glass Ceiling’).

However, projected shame reared it’s ugly head again, as I received comments from those who should have known better, that I was ‘the oldest swinger in town’ and that the video was ‘disgusting’.

‘The Voice Within’ video was a true reflection of MY cancer journey. The mask shown in the video was the actual radiation mask I had to wear; for 6 weeks EVERY DAY; for THIRTY minute radiation exposure sessions EVERY DAY, I was bolted by my neck, to a radiation table and couldn’t move a muscle for 6 weeks EVERY DAY.

1 word - TORTURE!

The shame that was projected from others, was almost equal to this torture.

Yet, with all of this experience and more, I forgive those involved!


Because they didn’t know the full weight of this experience and I hope and ironically pray, they never have to experience what I went through!

It is different now, as over the years I’ve drawn a much firmer line in the sand and with love, others know where they stand. Also my experience has trained me to lead with kindness and to help others see that they are a MIRACLE.

I speak and sing praise, commendation, value, worth, compassion and deep connection.

The above experiences and more have shaped me into a voice for the voiceless.

Reject projected shame beautiful soul and RISE.

Embrace your own shame, be open with yourself and others and shine YOUR unique light.

In the words of the first verse of the 10th track from the album ‘Garden of Love (Connecting IN Creativity’:

‘No longer shame,

No more a pawn in your game.

Restless LIGHTS, reset the blame.

No longer, feel the same.

No longer the one to tame,

No longer, with no name’.

‘The Know NO Song’ By Ray Coates & Mark Walker (Album is available on CD & iTunes pre-order NOW... Visit PRODUCT page for details).

Take a look/listen to our song… including a LIVE performance intro from July 9th 2021

YOU have shame.

I have shame.

We are not shame, we have it as a natural feeling, be open and honest with it and reject the lie of judgement if others try to manipulate YOUR truth with their fear and shame.

Loving Energy ALWAYS,

Ray xxx

* Join myself and Mark Walker for our Spotify streamed podcast discussion on 'The Know NO Song' and Songwriting/Music Production... LINK to podcast channel BELOW...

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